dubiouslog

1. DP166
2. Everyone gave me very beautiful and meaningful presents
3. I just found out there is a demo from the new album from Thurisaz and it’s so amazing I actually came

I accidentally exploded in front of the computer.

Edit (and a spoiler)

I’m sorry! I can’t shut up about Volkner and Flint lately. Even though I can see how someone may want to smack me in the face just to make me stop, you have to understand that I’ve been through some very rough times as of lately and these guys somehow managed to give me the strength and to bring a smile to my face. I feel really thankful towards the people who were involved in the making of that episode, and I wish they could know to what extent their work affected my life.

Anyway, I’ve been spending these days working restlessly on the shrine to them. I missed working on a website so much. I never thought I’d ever say this, but when I’ll be finished I’m going to miss working on it as well. This website also made me rediscover one of my passions that I’ve been neglecting in these last few years: writing. How much time has passed since the last time I wrote a long page about something? And what about fan fictions? I don’t even know if people will read them, but at least I’ve had fun writing them, and I think I will keep writing fan fics for this website for a long time. And then I will make some fan comics, too. And at least one AMV; yesterday I’ve come across this song whose lyrics relate very much to their relationship for how I see it and I just have to make something with it. Right now the play count is at…138 D8 if you’re curious, the song is Emptier Still from Dark Tranquillity. One of their “lesser” songs, but I find it to be amazing. Anyway, I’d also like to animate something myself, but that could be too much for me. I should at least try, I don’t know. And then I want to make a figure with them, but I have no idea as for what I could use to make them. I suck at modelling stuff with water, but I’m good with wax-based materials…too bad that most of them never really dry and get covered in dust after a few days. If anyone out there knows what I could use…

I really hope for this website to attract the fans. I really want to exchange mails with other people following my same shipping, since I seem to be the only one caring here. :<

(no one needed this entry to begin with! what am I doing?)

Friday
I have to spend the morning at school, in pain.
I have to spend the afternoon in bed, bleeding.

Saturday
Avatar’s still sold out after a month and we have to preorder the tickets for Sunday.
We’d like to go to our usual bar to get a hot chocolate, but there are no more seats.
In another bar, I get a piece of chocolate cake so hard I could actually smash the fork on it with no result.
We end up spending a load of money.

Sunday
I’m being told I’m out of my own house.
There is a terrible argument in the family and many tears are shed.
The tech support calls my mom instead of me, the call ends before my mom could give my phone number. They called to tell the laptop’s ready and wanted to know when they could give it to me. They didn’t call again.

Monday
I take the train and go to the university planning to get the rent papers afterwards.
The class was postponed by a hour. Since at this point I couldn’t do both things, I went for the papers.
The agency didn’t have any papers. I threw away half a day for nothing.
When I got back at Jacopo’s, it was too late to call the other agency to get info about this other house.

Tuesday
I realize there are no classes today. I didn’t notice before because all I had was a photo of the calendar and that point was impossible to decipher.
I end up going anyway to Milan with Jacopo so to spend the morning together and then go home to get those papers.
Jacopo catches an awful flu and we have to run back. He’s currently in bed being miserable.

On Friday, I have an exam. That day, there is a public transportation strike.

I’ve been feeling really depressed as of lately. My housemates won’t let me use the table, so I cannot draw nothing but sketches on my legs, which means that I cannot make illustrations for school, which means that I’m behind with my classes, which means that I’m getting more and more worried. I really tried to draw on my legs, but my back acts up after about thirty minutes. I need to buy a foldable table, but I also need help to carry it home, and people is busy, not their fault.

I don’t want to be with my housemates anymore, they won’t understand that being sociophobic is not something I can overcome by just being with people, and even like this I’m not the talkative type anyway. They think I’m just being an asshole to them while I just don’t find anything to talk about with them. Plus, I don’t want to be in the same room with them because they’re always smoking, doing drugs or cooking smelly stuff. Strong smells make me sick. I need to move alone, but this takes time. Plus the laptop is still under repair so I can’t work on websites or talk with friends as often as I want, and without a computer I can’t look for houses either.

Plus I won’t be able to see Jacopo for another two weeks. :<

BUT BUT BUT

the ep with Volkner and Flint has been announced for February 25 and I’M SO HAPPY
I just want to see them together doing stuff and teasing each other and I want to hear their voices and asfghjkasdl
The best part is that I know that even if I find them to be a bit different from how I imagine them to be I’m not going to be disappointed :D I just have fun shipping them and love their characters, that’s it

This also comes at just the right time, since I was already planning to make a shrine for them. It’s about a whole year I’ve been wanting to make a website about them and I’ve been working on it behind the scenes, but I was never satisfied with the result. It never seemed to live up to my expectations, yet I wanted to make something for them SO badly. After all, they are the only shipping I ever supported.
Then there was something that gave me the kick I needed to get started and finish everything with a strict deadline…which happens to fall after February 25, so I’ll have enough time to make the layout with a screencap from the episode and put a screencap gallery online and and and 8D

Talking about shrines, I’ve been playing Riviera: The Promised Land again. The idea was to write down Serene’s lines and make a shrine to her, but while I was playing I discovered that my favorite character in that game is really Malice. So…expect something about her in the near future. She really is a very interesting character.
The website will be named “No Future” and the layout will use this wonderful artwork of her. I still have to decide if I want this website to be a shrine or a fanlisting plus shrine.

Have a meme. Stolen from Irene, but since she skipped some questions I looked for the original and answered to some of the ones she left out, then followed her template, then got bored.

(more…)

HARD DISK BUSTED
AGAIN

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

luckily this time I didn’t lose anything valuable since I had a few backups here and there, but this doesn’t make it any less annoying. I’ve spent these last few days drawing, painting and trying to spend as much time with people as possible. I feel like a Sim with the sociality and entertainment bars near zero struggling to not go crazy :<

so I won’t be around for a week or two.

Tonight I wanted to make fan art for games which don’t receive enough attention. At first I thought about tackling Borderlands or Dead Space, but I ended up with a Xivilai from Oblivion. I have spent about one hour trying to find a dynamic pose for him without messing up the anatomy or going too overboard with perspective, and I got a good starting point for a watercolor painting which I hope to finish later today or maybe tomorrow.

After finishing the sketch, I took a break and wanted to read some books from Oblivion. Some of them are really beautiful. I came across Spirit of the Daedra, which should be a book written by the Daedra themselves. One passage left me amazed:

“We do not die. We do not fear death.
Destroy the Body, and the Animus is cast into The Darkness. But the Animus returns.
But we are not all brave.
We feel pain, and fear it. We feel shame, and fear it. We feel loss, and fear it. We hate the Darkness, and fear it.
The Scamps have small thoughts, and cannot fear greatly.
The Vermai have no thoughts, and cannot fear.
The Dremora have deep thoughts, and must master fear to overcome it.”

I feel better about myself.

I’ve spent these last few days at Jacopo’s for his birthday. We had an awesome time. Originally, this entry was about what kind of awesome time did we have, but then I noticed that I just can’t blog about my life. It makes me feel stupid. Long story short, we had an awesome time. 8)

Hey look I drew a me. It should be my Pokémon Trainer but really, it’s me. I blame Kate for that.

as ridiculous as it may seem, it’s actually a very accurate representation of my person. which also explains why I tend to draw people with weird anatomy when I have no one who can model for me: my whole body is double-jointed. and yes, I can actually do that with my tongue.
THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO EMBRACE MY FREAKINESS

Last night I had some weird dream. Basically, I was with Jacopo in a medieval city; after visiting a few places, we entered a tree. The inside of the tree was some sort of dark world completely secluded from the outside, which gave us an idea about how to use that to our advantage. You know what happens next. In the middle of it, something happened. When we got out, I realized that from midway to the end I’ve been doing it with Daevion. Then he kidnapped me. Random people tried to rescue me, but Daevion casted all sorts of spells on them and they went away. Jacopo was outside too, and he said that I had to choose between Daevion and him. I answered that he only exists in my imagination, so it was not like I was cheating on him. He said that’s ok, but since we were in my subconscious he was actually real there!
…I’m not sure what does this all mean D: though I was really waiting for Daevion to appear in a dream, I did not want for it to be like this D8 also I’m sort of disappointed that this was such a blurry dream and that I couldn’t get a good look at his face. I wish I could get lucid dreams at will.

Introducing Daevion. Born under the stars of the Ritual and therefore blessed by the goddess Mara, he belongs to the ancient race of the Altmer, the cultured, tall, magicka-gifted elves from Summerset Island.

Unlike many of his kin, he doesn’t think of himself as belonging to a superior race; while he’s certainly proud of his cultural heritage, he’s also well aware that it was the same advanced society that sent his mother in permanent exile on the mainland for being the offspring of an illegitimate union of her Altmer mother with an Imperial man, thus making her of impure blood and unworthy of living on Summerset. Daevion himself was born and spent his childhood in the Imperial City, considers himself like a citizen of the Empire to all extents, and believes that his kinsmen should begin to seriously rethink their core values instead of acting all haughty and collecting distrust from the other races.

Like all elves, Altmer can live longer than a thousand years. Daevion is 257 years old, which would make him about 26 in human years. He is always seen wearing a red vest which he took care in enchanting so to grant him greater magicka resources; one might say it’s his signature item of clothing, and it comes as no surprise that people in Cyrodiil have come to refer to him as “the crimson mage”.

Calm and of pleasant disposition, Daevion is well loved among gents and rulers alike; as an adventurer he’s always the first to lend a hand with dangerous jobs, and he has fame of being selfless and heroic. Even though he genuinely likes to be helpful, it must also be noted that he genuinely likes to go on adventure and get his hands on a good loot, so those claims are not completely true. Anyway, he is a sworn enemy of everything evil and believes in purging the world from wretchedness. He is especially concerned with freeing the world from the ones who live off harming other people, since they’re a hazard to society; he has no pity for bandits, necromancers, assassins and vampires.
Apart from these strong opinions, he tends to be a mild and forgiving person. He is cheerful in a quiet way - he greets people with a smile, but is never overly jumpy. It’s funny, cause even though he dislikes his stuck-up kinsmen, he can’t help but keep a certain Altmer poise.

Very spiritual, Daevion worships the Aedra in the Altmeri ways; most of his worship goes to Mara, who’s been protecting him since his birth, but he’s also devout to Zenithar, Kynareth, and - of course - Auriel. He also worships some Daedra princes; he is especially fascinated with the powers of Vaermina and Sheogorath. He thinks that sanity and madness are actually often overlapping, and he wishes to know more about this subtle balance. One of Daevion’s strongest motives is his unquenchable thirst for knowledge; this has often led him to follow the orders of some deities to better understand their sphere of influence and position in this world. However, he will not just blindly go on any quest: if there is evil, there must be deities connected to evilness, and he’s not going against his principles in exchange for knowledge which is best not to have.

In spite of being so intelligent and wise, Daevion is also very possessive as for what concerns his belongings and always looking for more to own and more money to make. He says that he likes to surround himself with beautiful things; the obvious truth is that he’s just plain avid. Also, because of his ability to talk himself out of any situation, he’s considered by some to have a manipulative streak - which is not entirely wrong, even though this is something that’s probably beyond his control.

Most Altmer are powerful sorcerers, and Daevion is no exception. He is especially skilled in bending reality with Alteration magic; he can open chests without even touching the lock, make heavy equipment weigh less than a feather, and transform his body at will so he can run across lakes or breathe underwater. His other specialty is using elemental Destruction magic to scorch, freeze, or electrocute his enemies. He’s also good at Illusion magic; however, he won’t use it for tricking people into following his orders - he just likes to use magical Light to illuminate dungeons and other dark places, and he has enough confidence in his skills that he just doesn’t care about giving away his position to enemies. Should things go wrong, he can anyway use his knowledge in matters of Restoration magic to heal himself and get back up. He is also good at Alchemy, a decent Mysticism scholar and knows the basics of Conjuration.

While his crimson robe is his most prominent piece of equipment, Daevion also wears a few enchanted pieces of jewelry that help him overcome the Altmeri weakness against elemental magic and grant him the ability to reflect spells and physical damage to the attacker.
When adventuring, he will usually keep a balance between charging in and taking his enemies down from a distance. When facing enemies wielding a blade or a blunt weapon, he will get very close so to cast spell directly at them while taking in hits to reflect right back at them; spellcasters are taken care of from a distance, because this way he can dodge their attacks with ease.

Daevion’s mount is a unicorn. Cliché much? It may seem so; the truth, however, is different. As ridiculous as it may sound, Daevion was exploring the Heartlands and just sort of stumbled upon him. Unicorns are aggressive creatures and will think of anyone in sight as a possible threat and will proceed to impale them; however, this one seemed to be friendly towards Daevion and let him jump on. Maybe it was because only a pure of heart can ride a unicorn, or maybe it was because Daevion wasn’t carrying any weapon besides his own magic; in either case, the two have been sharing a close bond since then.

The unicorn seems to be a wandering soul, as it will often walk away when Daevion dismounts. This causes him to be easily attacked by creatures or bandits, case in which his elven friend will hear his cries and come to the rescue. Sometimes the unicorn will run after deers and Daevion will play along and join him in the hunt. Why not? Venison tastes good.

As a result of his adventuring combined with his fine bartering skills, Daevion is very wealthy. He owns a large house in Cheydinhal, and even though he rarely stays indoors for more than a day he sure likes it there. He filled up his place with interesting items he happened to come across during his travels.

His calm expression. I noticed that the playing character in Oblivion can have an array of other facial expressions, but you will probably never notice since you’ll either be playing in a first-person perspective or only seeing your character’s back. In my experience, they can frown, yawn, look grave (like in the second screencap in this page) and smile.
Taking a guess, I’d say the frown is for when your character is in battle. The yawn may either be random or an idle pose, since I spotted Daevion yawning while he was waiting for Count Hassildor in Skingrad’s castle hall. The grave look…the only time I saw it was at the time of that screencap: at the end of Vaermina’s quest, looking at Arkved drowning in his nightmare. I’m sure it’s a separate expression and not the default face, but why should that even exist anyway? I’m not sure about the smile either, it may have something to do with disposition but I’ve not noticed any consistent behavior. Oh well.

fireballs are so good

his amulet
(this is totally not an excuse to draw him half-naked)

what
I-I think I like my own character, is that a bad thing?

woah that was a massive post :o as a side note, I think I may suffer from the blank page syndrome. I could go on writing forever when no one cares, but when I want to write a lot I get stuck and end up procrastinating. The worst part is that this happens no matter how much I actually want to write, and this may also be why I don’t write stuff for ATP as often as I’d like. I should find a way around this.

on other news I moved to an apartment and I’m loving it :D well, except for the current lack of internet connection, but this is only a temporary issue
I think I’ll post pictures when we’ll be finished with assembling the furniture! we chose some freakin awesome stuff. our living room table is white with black chairs with white cushions and looks fantastic; the table for the room, on the other hand, is going to be plain badass. black with red legs. the best part being that it was my roommate to suggest the color combination, figure that.
BUT LOOK AT ME, GETTING ALL EXCITED ABOUT FURNITURE soon I’ll find myself going nuts over new curtains and I’ll get in the news as the first person to become an elderly at nineteen years of age

Today I saw VG again after all these months. I was looking forward to this day with excitement. I’m very happy to be with him again.
However, this is not what this entry is about.

After he left in train, I was to take the subway home. I was getting down the stairs when, about ten metres away from me, I saw a man tripping on an elderly beggar. The latter fell over and since he looked rather fragile I thought he could have gotten something broken, but then the man who tripped on him refused to help him and began yelling all sorts of obscenities, basically calling the beggar a human scum and a waste of existence. The thing went on for at least a few minutes, then the elder tried to defend himself saying he would have called the police or something, at which the other replied threatening him; then he went away.

As for me, I was frozen there for the whole time. I would have really said something to that horrible person, but what if he turned violent? I was feeling weak for all the walking and the hot weather, and that man was twice my size. I feel a bit angry for not being able to do anything useful, but I keep telling myself that after all it’s not my fault if I wasn’t feeling good; were I in my usual shape, I would have had nothing to fear. I expected someone else to defend the beggar, but all the other people kept walking like nothing was happening - if something, they were speeding up. No one else seemed to care.

And this may feel like a rhetorical question, but seriously: what’s wrong with people? Seriously.